candidates strip down for mandatory physicals
Metro - 07/01/03
WASHINGTON -- The DNC announced the
results of mandatory candidate physicals today. Six
of 9 passed the required “smell” test. However,
those who did not were Sen. Graham, Sen. John Edwards
and Sen. Carole Moseley-Braun. Failing the “smell”
test indicates these candidates frequently associate
with "non-bathers", the extreme liberal left,
tree huggers, dirt eaters and fruit beer swillers. Candidates
not passing the "smell test" may have trouble
attracting moderate voters to their campaign during
the general election.
The 200 page medical report outlines
the medical history for eight of the nine Democratic
contenders. This report is an effort to end criticism,
which originated during the Clinton era, that the Democratic
party has not been forthcoming about the state of the
their candidates’ health.
The report showed that Rev. Sharpton,
who is African American, has a history of high blood
pressure and diabetes. "This was expected,"
Dick Gephardt, on the other hand, who
claims to be part African-American showed no
signs of high blood pressure. However, did show some
mental stability problems that may need to be investigated
further. "Sometimes I get angry," said Dick.
Gov. Dean has been diagnosed with a
mild hyperactivity disorder, some short term memory
loss – And, as the public is aware, Dean is apparently
a carrier of kleptomania. Recent news accounts have
reported his son being arrested for stealing alcohol.
The DNC report also concluded that
Sen. Kerry shows signs of depression due to the fact
most people are not interested in hearing him talk about
his tour in Vietnam. “I can be a Vietnam Vet and
a militant anti-war protester at the same time,”
Kerry often complains.
Test results for Rep. Kucinich were
not available. He had special permission to take his
physical early, so the other candidates would not see
him naked. Kucinich declined to comment on the state
of his physical health other than to say, “ I
am still alive and no, I'm not a Beatle”.
Sen. Graham, Sen. Edwards and Carole
Moseley-Braun will be required to attend extensive hygiene
enrichment courses if they plan to stay in the race.
“The public is just not
interested in voting for a stinky, run-of-the-mill,
left-wing, hippie and I’ll do whatever it takes
to improve my olfactory perception,” said Braun.